Stephen Colbert started Monday's Late Show by mocking the man who tried to set off a bomb in the subway station near New York City's Port Authority terminal Monday morning. "Luckily, none of the bystanders were seriously hurt, and the police got the guy," he said. And Colbert had a message for the 27-year-old Bangladeshi bomber from Brooklyn: "Seriously? You tried to terrorize New York Subway commuters? Nice try. New York commuters don't even flinch when the subway breakdancers kick two inches away from their face. They have to battle rats for the seat."
"Now you're going to jail for a long, long, long time," Colbert said, "and all New Yorkers want to know is: Does that mean your apartment is free, and is it rent-controlled?"
Colbert noted that several of the women who've accused President Trump of sexual assault are back in public, then spent a few minutes going over a New York Times report of Trump's daily battle in the White House. Trump is upset about Special Counsel Robert Mueller's investigation into his campaign's ties to Russia, but he reportedly shrugs it off, telling people, "That's life," Colbert said. "Yes, it's life, but you could plead that down to 30 years if you rat out Don Jr."
The Times also said Trump watches 4-8 hours of TV a day, and "hate-watches" CNN's Don Lemon — things Trump denied in a tweet on Monday, which Colbert read. But given Trump's fixation on TV, it's no surprise that before taking office, he reportedly told aides to think of "each presidential day as an episode in a television show in which he vanquishes rivals," Colbert said. He suggested some titles, including Grabs Anatomy.
The Late Show also mocked up a Trump family sitcom, Meet the Vanquishers, that gets a little dark at the end. Watch below. Peter Weber
Trevor Noah has a plausible reason Trump slurred his Jerusalem speech. Stephen Colbert just laughed.
President Trump announced Wednesday that the U.S. now recognizes Jerusalem as the capital of Israel, blowing up what was left of the Israeli-Palestinian peace effort. "As disturbing as it was today to watch Donald Trump add fuel to the Middle East conflict, it was even more disturbing to watch the conflict between Donald Trump's teeth and his tongue," Trevor Noah said on Wednesday's Daily Show. He played parts of the speech where Trump was visibly slurring his words, laughed, played it again, then offered some theories.
Some people were concerned Trump had a stroke, but Noah said "it seemed like someone hit him with a blowdart just before he went out to make the speech," or perhaps "like he just had a drink will Bill Cosby." Then he made his final diagnosis. "President Trump is wearing dentures, people," Noah said. "Think about it: fake teeth, fake hair, fake tan — there's no part of his body that's real." Look, he added, "there's no shame in having dentures — but there is shame in Donald Trump having dentures, because he's vain as hell."
At The Late Show, Stephen Colbert couldn't stop laughing at Trump's last slurred words, "United Shursh," so he played it twice. Everybody opposed Trump's Jerusalem decision, he said, so why did he do it? One explanation is he's fulfilling a promise to conservative pro-Israel groups and donors, but evangelical Christians also back the move as a way to spark the second coming of Jesus Christ. The Late Show "God" appeared to quash that idea. "Are you crazy?" he said. "I'm not going to send my Son into that tinder box! Didn't go so well last time." He's not going to Jerusalem, either, "God" said. "I'm not even sure it's my holy city anymore. I'm thinking of moving it somewhere more laid back, like Austin. It's my favorite city in the whole United Shursh." Watch below. Peter Weber
Stephen Colbert kicked off Monday's Late Show with the news that Monday is hard, as demonstrated in the foiled plans of a Weather Channel cameraman to document the implosion of the Georgia Dome. "Can a bus drive in front of 2017 for a while?" he asked. "Or maybe just park in front of Charlie Rose?" But "Monday also means that it's time to dig through Trump's weekend tweets," he said, and so he did.
Colbert started with President Trump's demand for thanks from the three UCLA basketball players on whose behalf he interceded after they were arrested for shoplifting in China. When one of their fathers shrugged off Trump's role, he hit back, suggesting he should have left the UCLA players in Chinese jail. Colbert raised an eyebrow: "Mr. Trump, I know you're upset, but maybe now's not the time to be implying that someone's kids should go to jail for what their dad did."
Trump also hit back at Sen. Jeff Flake (R-Ariz.), after Flake was caught on mic saying if the GOP is the party of Trump and Alabama Senate nominee Roy Moore, "we are toast." Colbert protested. "Sen. Flake, that is a little too hard on toast," he said, poking at Moore. "May I remind you, sir, toast doesn't cruise the mall looking for dough that hasn't risen yet." He found Trump's counterpunch tweet equally iffy. "Either he misspelled the abbreviation for microphone," he said, "or he's implying that Sen. Flake was caught 'on Mike,' which does not sound like something Vice President Pence would be into, but if so, good for you — live your best life, sir."
Colbert was pleased that Trump will keep a ban on elephant trophies, but also a little confused. "Are we supposed to thank Trump for not doing a terrible thing that nobody was talking about doing until his administration was gonna do it?" he asked. Watch below. Peter Weber
Stephen Colbert kicked of Wednesday's Late Show by declaring his pride to be filming in New York City, where hours after a terrorist attack killed eight people in lower Manhattan, New Yorkers held a big, sloppy Halloween bacchanal. "You cannot stop New Yorkers!" he said. And you also can't stop President Trump from tweeting, this time to politicize the attack by going after Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-N.Y.) and a particular visa program, saying he wants "merit based." "We all want merit-based, sir, but you're still the president," Colbert sighed.
Trump also tweeted about the GOP tax bill, and Colbert said we now know why it is being released a day late: Republicans can't agree on a name. "Apparently, calling it 'The Koch Brothers' All-American Up-Tricklin' Cash-Grab-a-Rama' was a little on the nose," he said, laughing at House Speaker Paul Ryan's idea to let Trump name the bill because of his branding skills. "So what did Trump come back with? Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the actual name out president proposed for his tax bill: The Cut Cut Cut Act." Ryan pushed back, to no avail, Colbert said, but "did manage to convince the president not to spell 'Cut Cut Cut' with three Ks."
Colbert then took a probably unnecessary jab at a widely mocked tweet Donald Trump Jr. sent Halloween night about teaching his daughter "socialism" by giving half her candy away. "Yes, it's never too early to teach kids the danger of sharing," Colbert said. "While we're at it, Don Jr., on Halloween, kids literally go door to door to get free candy from the neighbors because the kids don't have it and the neighbors do. That's socialism." He ended with a lesson on using candy to make a point, though he cheated with that last chocolate bar. Peter Weber
Stephen Colbert is so turned off by Trump's interview with a fawning Lou Dobbs, he splices himself in
"Folks, sometimes I feel sorry for Donald Trump, but not as often as he does," Stephen Colbert said on Thursday's Late Show. President Trump once again complained about how he's treated by the media during a "full-blown rubdown" by Lou Dobbs at Fox Business, Trump's 19th interview with Fox News and its sister channel, Colbert said. He cracked a salty joke about Dobbs "pleasuring" Trump and it making Vice President Mike Pence uncomfortable. Dobbs did not ask Trump about Puerto Rico, so Colbert veered off to catch viewers up on the $300 million power-repair contract Puerto Rico's public utility awarded to Whitefish Energy, a tiny company with Trump connections, in a no-bid process. "That's like the last man on Earth naming himself People's sexiest man alive," Colbert said.
Colbert found Dobbs' sycophantic interview so grating that he spliced himself in for Dobbs, making things fair and balanced by asking Trump the questions he wanted answered, with the answers he wanted from Trump's mouth. Watch below. Peter Weber
Stephen Colbert has a laugh at Trump claiming credit for the JFK document dump, John McCain's revenge
President Trump sat down for an interview with Fox Business host Maria Bartiromo over the weekend, and she "immediately held Trump's feet to the fire — to make sure they were nice and cozy," Stephen Colbert said on Monday's Late Show. "But Bartiromo wasn't the only one praising Trump — so was Trump." Specifically, Trump praised his use of Twitter. Also over the weekend, Trump "tweenounced" that he will release the JFK documents that have been stored under seal in the National Archives.
After running through some perfunctory conspiracy theorizing, Colbert noted that in fact, Congress ordered the documents released this month back in 1992. Most people believe that the documents should be unsealed, but since Lee Harvey Oswald took a mysterious trip to Mexico weeks before the JFK assassination, "some historians are concerned the documents could be damaging to U.S.-Mexico relations," Colbert said. "Oh, I think that ship has sailed." Some people also theorize that Trump took credit for a pre-scheduled event to distract from his latest fight with a Gold Star family, and Colbert imagined some other secrets Trump could drop when he runs into political hot water.
Colbert also checked in on the feud between Trump and Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.), starting with Trump's 2015 dig about captured war heroes. Trump, he reminded everyone, got five deferments from serving in Vietnam, one of them for bone spurs, then later joked that avoiding sexually transmitted diseases was his own personal Vietnam, a claim Colbert took to his logical conclusion. Two and a half years later, McCain got his revenge with a brutal swipe at Trump's bone spurs, and Colbert was impressed: "Damn, I really wish McCain was my high school science teacher, because he clearly does not give an F." Peter Weber
Daily Show alum Jordan Klepper valiantly tries to reclaim 'moron' as a badge of honor for Trump supporters
There are new developments in the "war on Trump," Jordan Klepper said Monday on The Opposition, his faux alt-right Daily Show spinoff. He began with the opposition to President Trump's move to decertify the Iran nuclear deal. "That's right, certification is for suckers," Klepper said, "a belief I hold to this day in spite of how many lifeguard jobs it cost me." But the pushback against Trump was coming from within, including from his top generals and Cabinet officials. "Now it's clear who Trump's biggest enemy is — friends," Klepper said. "Friends who are the enemies — let's call them 'frenemies,' a word I just made up."
Trump's frenemies treat him like a "chump," Klepper said, running through the Rex Tillerson "moron" flap, and "I'm sick of this. Trump has done everything for these people. He picked them, seemingly at random, for positions of great importance, and now they're calling Trump a moron? Then I'm calling moron a compliment! What, you think 'nasty women' are the only ones who can turn insults into a rallying cry?" Apparently not — and Klepper brought T-shirts to prove it. You can watch his impassioned rallying cry below. Peter Weber
President Trump held a big signing ceremony Thursday for his executive order to undermine ObamaCare, but he forgot one small thing, Stephen Colbert showed on The Late Show. "That is troubling — at the signing he forgot to do the signing. But on the plus side, let's hope he forgets the launch codes." The rest of his monologue was dedicated to Trump's pitch for his tax plan on Wednesday night, in front of a group of truckers in Pennsylvania.
Trump summarized his tax plan with two words, "huge, rocket," which left Colbert confused. But Trump clarified a bit, explaining that some business taxes will be at an 80-year low when he's done. "Yes, bottom line: He's taking our tax plan back more than 80 years, to the 1930s, the era that will forever be known as the Great Happiness," Colbert said. "And the president came down hard on the tax that truckers hate the most: the one that only applies to dying millionaires," the estate tax. Out of about 186,000 working trucking companies, roughly 30 would be helped by repealing the estate tax — which applies to individuals worth $5.5 million or couples worth $11 million — he said. "So who are these elite truckers?" Well, he found one:
Colbert also subbed himself in for Sean Hannity in Hannity's pre-rally interview of Trump. You can watch that below. Peter Weber