President Trump had some goofy exchanges with Irish Taoiseach Leo Varadkar on Thursday, but "it was at least a relief to see Trump making nice with an ally," Seth Meyers said on Thursday's Late Night. Audio surfaced on Thursday of Trump admitting to "outright lying to Canada's prime minister, Justin Trudeau, about the U.S.'s trade relationship with Canada," Meyers said, playing the tape. Bragging about making up fake facts was bad, but "in fairness, 'I lied because I'm stupid' is the truest thing Trump has ever said," he added, with the quote actually more of a paraphrase.
"Trump's admission that he just makes stuff up comes amid an unprecedented level of turmoil in his White House," already not the most stable work environment, Meyers pointed out. Trump is remaking his Cabinet, one adviser said, because he's "finally realizing he is the president," and that's "terrifying," Meyers said. "That's like in Jurassic Park when the velociraptors figured out how to open doors." He ran through some of Trump's new picks, cable TV pundit Larry Kudlow and Secretary of State nominee Mike Pompeo, then returned to the ousters. "If Trump really is firing people he doesn't like, that's very troubling — there's already speculation that he might try to fire [Special Counsel Robert] Mueller just as the Russia probe heats up," Meyers said, especially now that Mueller is going after Trump's business. He had two words for Mueller: Hurry up. Watch below. Peter Weber
President Trump went to Moon Township, Pennsylvania, over the weekend, ostensibly to campaign for House candidate Rick Saccone, Stephen Colbert said on Monday's Late Show. It was pretty wild. "Who wants to jump aboard the crazy train?" Colbert said, in Trump voice. And after a brief endorsement, it was all about Trump, one way or another.
Trump rolled out his 2020 tagline, fantasized about beating Oprah, and insulted NBC's Chuck Todd. "Now, Chuck was a little miffed, so yesterday he asked Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin whether this name-calling was acceptable behavior," Colbert said, and he broke out a wicked Mnuchin impersonation to mock the treasury secretary's if-the-president-does-it-it's-okay response. Trump also made fun of what he thinks a "normal" president would be like, then argued that what he has to do is harder. "Wait, he has to do this?" Colbert asked. "Does he think acting like a buffoon is mandatory? Is this some sort of Speed situation? Somebody's strapped a bomb to the country and if the president's IQ goes above 55, America explodes?"
Trump also defended North Korea's leader. "Don't boo Kim Jong Un," Colbert said in Trump voice. "He's just a murderous dictator who fed his own uncle to dogs — it's not like he's Oprah or Chuck Todd or anything." Still, the Pennsylvania race "is really important to Trump, so today he pulled out the small guns," sending Don Jr. up to tour a candy factory with Saccone. "Don Jr. felt very comfortable in the chocolate factory because he's half Oompa-Loompa on his father's side," Colbert quipped. Watch below. Peter Weber
Tuesday's Late Show kicked off with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un's new peace overtures being derailed by The Bachelor.
According to South Korea, "North Korea is willing to talk to the U.S. about giving up its nuclear weapons — and not the usual way they talk about giving up their nuclear weapons, by dropping them on Seattle," Colbert explained. If the U.S. and North Korea normalize relations, "then Kim Jong Un and Trump can sit down and talk about the things they have in common, like military parades and ridiculous haircuts."
He returned to Monday night's meltdown of President Trump's former campaign aide, Sam Nunberg, who just might have been drunk. "I don't know what's more disturbing, him going on the news drunk or me having to watch the news sober," said Colbert, who gave up alcohol for Lent.
Colbert turned from nuclear war to Trump's trade war, which has already prompted an EU threat of retaliatory tariffs on bourbon, blue jeans, and Harleys, striking "a real blow to America's midlife crisis industry," he said. "All that's left is electric guitars and 25-year-old yoga teachers named Dawn." Trump tweeted that trade wars are "easy to win," and Colbert ran with that in his Trump voice: "Yeah, wars are easy to win. The war starts, you get your dad to get you five draft deferments, the war ends, so easy."
Colbert ended with a look at the war for the Trump International Hotel in Panama City. "Trump's brand is bad for business and his name is all over this hotel," he summarized, noting all the Trump-branded drinks with the glaring exception of "a Piña Collude-a?" After a Panamanian court ruled that Trump's business had to vacate the hotel, Colbert said, the majority owner "got to experience one of the most satisfying things I've ever seen: Trump's name being removed from the building with a crowbar." Watch below. Peter Weber
This Valentine's Day, you could do worse than making a moving tribute to your true love as realistic and heartfelt as this mashed-up White House valentine video The Late Show put together, using President Trump's own words to convey his love for various people and places, but one person in particular. First lady Melania Trump is also in the video. And the Utah joke is brutal. Watch below. Peter Weber
Stephen Colbert and John Oliver go deep, laugh at Trump's military parade, eagerness to face Mueller
President Trump's latest idiotic idea is a military parade in Washington, D.C., Stephen Colbert said on Wednesday's Late Show. "All right, check your cards — who has Dictator Bingo?!?" Colbert explained why, historically and symbolically, America doesn't do military parades, then rolled his eyes at Trump getting his idea from France: "He knows Bastille Day is about poor people chopping off rich people's heads, right?"
Trump reportedly wants to ignore his lawyers and testify before Special Counsel Robert Mueller, because he's an expert at testifying under oath, having been taken to court some 1,300 times, Colbert said. And — as he did Wednesday — he encouraged Trump to do it, using chicken-related props.
Colbert asked his guest, John Oliver, what he thought about Trump's parade idea, and Oliver put Trump on the couch. "I will say this — it won't make him happy," he said. "Whatever this presidency is about — the search for a lost father's love, trying to fill a void with something tangible — that parade is going to go past him." And when Trump realizes this, Oliver said, he might do something even stupider to fill that hole, "whereas he can't — he's an emotional vacuum and he'll die that way."
They joked about France, and Colbert said "the ceremonial aspect of being president is what [Trump] thought the entire job was." Oliver agreed: "He's going to watch the royal wedding and think, 'I want one of those. Sorry, Melania, it's time.'"
Oliver had some jovially irreverent things to say about the royal family and royal weddings, then Colbert asked about Trump's Mueller interview. "I don't doubt that he wants to talk, but he's going to have to physically get through his lawyers first," Oliver said. "He's going to have to eat his way through their hands over his mouth. ... He would perjure himself before he finished his name." Colbert reiterated that he thinks Trump should do it (wink wink), and Oliver caught on. Watch below. Peter Weber
If you haven't seen "the video of President Trump's hair flapping in the wind ... you're in for a bigly treat," Jimmy Kimmel said on Wednesday's Kimmel Live, playing the video (twice). "Now the red hats make sense," he joked. "This is why Darth Vader had the good sense to wear a helmet. According to White House Press Secretary Sarah Sanders, the president's hair stayed perfectly still, he does not have a bald spot, and anything to the contrary is fake news." (She didn't say that.)
Kimmel then recounted an odd attack Trump made during the campaign against windmill farms. "Now we know why he's anti-wind!" he said. "He says that it's because of the birds, but he doesn't care about birds — the guy eats Kentucky Fried Chicken twice a week!"
But Kimmel wasn't there just to poke fun at Trump's coiffure. "I was so taken by this video, we decided to go around town today to ask real hairstyling professionals what they think is going on on our president's head," he said. Most of the coiffeurs had less-than-constructive criticism of Trump's hairstyle malfunction, but Wilbert at Fade University had a solution that Trump may want to try out before future encounters with the elements. Peter Weber
The Daily Show created a fake dictator awards show to see where Trump and his military parade stack up
President Trump has ordered the Pentagon to draw up plans for a big military parade through Washington, and like a lot of people, Trevor Noah isn't impressed. "America doesn't need a big parade to convince the world that it has a military," he said on Wednesday's Daily Show. "Trust me, the world knows America has a military — it's in their countries right now." Still, while "Trump is really excited about getting to play with the Army like they're his G.I. Joes, luckily, most people are adults," even some you might not expect, he added. "You know it's bad when even Fox News thinks this is a waste of money."
But it isn't just the wasted money — aside from France, military parades are typically associated with authoritarian regimes like China, North Korea, and Russia. "Now look, a military parade on its own doesn't mean that Trump is gonna be a dictator," Noah said. "But it's when you look at everything else that your Spidey sense starts to tingle." He ran through Trump's politicization of the FBI, giving top White House jobs to his own kids — "sure, those are his smartest kids, but who's their competition?" — and his frequently stated admiration for strongmen like Saddam Hussein, Vladimir Putin, and Rodrigo Duterte, among others.
"In the world of authoritarians, many people are now asking, 'Where does Trump fit in?'" Noah asked. "I mean, I know he aspires to them, but does he measure up?" The Daily Show mocked up a recap of the Oppressey Awards, to honor "achievements in the autocratic arts," with Noah hosting, and Trump didn't come away totally empty-handed. Noah ended on a dark note: "I guess Trump isn't quite there yet, but good news: There's always next year."
The Late Show also went toward the gallows humor in its envisioning of Trump's big military extravaganza. ("Poking sticks"?) You can watch that below. Peter Weber
"Remember when Donald Trump told us we'd be tired of winning?" Stephen Colbert asked on Monday's Late Show. "Well, evidently, the stock market is exhausted. Because after losing 666 points on Friday, Monday said, 'Hold my beer.'" The Dow has erased its gains for the entire year, he said, but that just makes it like the rest of us: "It spent January working on improving itself, then in February said 'F--k it.'" Coincidentally, "this afternoon, Trump was in Cincinnati, where he spoke to factory workers about how great the economy's doing," Colbert noted. "And when he started, that was still true."
But Trump didn't just brag about how he doesn't brag about the great economy — he also glibly accused Democrats of "treason" for not clapping enough at the State of the Union speech, Colbert said, unpersuaded. "Yeah, not clapping for you isn't treason. But don't worry, Mr. President, you could find out the exact definition of treason pretty soon." He also razzed House Speaker Paul Ryan for (briefly) bragging on Saturday about a woman who was surprised she's getting an extra $1.50 a week from the GOP tax law. "Cool!" Colbert said. "Now she's just one historic tax cut away from a bus pass." He wasn't finished. Watch below. Peter Weber