Michael Cohen's lawyer reluctantly revealed in court on Monday that Cohen's mysterious third client, along with President Trump and GOP fundraiser Elliot Broidy, was Sean Hannity. There was an audible gasp in the courtroom when Hannity's name was read, but on Monday's Daily Show, Trevor Noah said a quiet prayer of thanks. "It turns out, Michael Cohen's secret client was Sean Hannity — which, I'm sorry, is not a good look," he said. "You know right now Sean Hannity's probably on the phone with his wife, like, 'Hey honey, it's so weird how I used the guy who pays off mistresses to get me out of that parking ticket.'"
Hannity says he didn't have a formal legal relationship with Cohen, but reporting extensively on Cohen without mentioning their relationship is "pretty shady," Noah said, "even for Sean Hannity." Seriously, "even Instagram models have higher standards," he added. "And I'm not expecting him to aspire to the level of the Kardashians, but come on, Sean." If you go back and watch Hannity's coverage of the Cohen raid, knowing that he has skin in the game, "we can see that Hannity wasn't just mad, he was scared," Noah said, playing some clips.
He then turned to former FBI Director James Comey's big interview with ABC News. Noah wasn't impressed. Comey's paeans to America and truth sound like a Drake lyric, he said, but "when you're also throwing grade-school shade" about Trump's hair and hands, it "doesn't sound like an impartial lawman. That sounds like a guy who got fired from White Castle talking trash about his old boss. ... I'm the last person to tell anyone not to trash Trump, but I do think that being petty hurts Comey's credibility," Noah said, getting serious just a few minutes after talking trash about Hannity. "You can't take the high road and the low road at the same time." Watch below. Peter Weber
President Trump began Wednesday by threatening Russia with missiles aimed at Syria. "I feel like we joked about this," Trevor Noah said on Wednesday's Daily Show. "When Trump got elected, we were, like, 'He's gonna start a war on Twitter, hahahaha,' and then before he got elected, we were, like, 'He's gonna become president, hahahaha.' It turns out every joke about Trump is just a headline that hasn't happened yet." And that was just the start to a crazy news day.
"Normally, John Boehner pushing kush would be the day's biggest news about a House speaker's career plans," Noah said, but then Paul Ryan said he's not seeking re-election. "Now, other than pretending that he was upset about stuff President Trump said, the thing that Paul Ryan was most famous for was his deep, sincere concern about America's national debt." He played a brutal highlight reel of Ryan talking the "fiscal discipline" talk, noted that Ryan just "exploded the deficit with his tax cuts," and offered an elaborate analogy.
"But I mean, look, come on, let's not be haters," Noah said. "What's a few trillion dollars between friends, right? Just because Paul Ryan turned out to be a complete fraud doesn't mean that we can't give him the send-off that he deserves. Paul Ryan is leaving us, folks, so let's pour out a 40 — 40 grams of protein, of course. ... Oh, and don't worry — just like Paul Ryan's deficit, someone else is going to have to clean this up."
The House speaker has a good excuse, Jordan Klepper deadpanned on The Opposition. "Paul Ryan is retiring because of a serious medical condition. You see, Paul Ryan has no spine. It's tragic." He ran through the symptoms of "Coward's Back" (named for Rowan Coward), adding: "Don't feel bad for the speaker. Paul Ryan is going out doing the thing he does best: Not standing up for anything." Watch. Peter Weber
Trevor Noah explains why the FBI's Cohen raid can't be an anti-Trump 'witch hunt.' Jordan Klepper dissents.
On Tuesday's Daily Show, Trevor Noah returned to Monday's FBI raid on President Trump's longtime lawyer and fixer Michael Cohen. "How corrupt is your circle if your lawyer uses his one phone call to call you?" he asked. But Cohen is "more than just a lawyer" to Trump, he explained. "Basically, Michael Cohen is Trump's go-to guy for everything, so if Trump has ever done anything shady — which I know sounds ridiculous, but stick with me here — this FBI raid has a good chance of finding it. Which is why yesterday, President Baby got little cranky."
Noah played some highlights from Trump's public comments on the raid. "That's right, it's an attack on what we all stand for: You know, the American ideals of life, liberty, and the pursuit of having a lawyer pay off your side chick," he said. Trump World is painting this a "partisan witch hunt," but such a "conspiracy would have to involve every single person in law enforcement," Noah noted, walking through all the steps prosecutors had to go through to carry out the raid. "If people in Salem had this kind of due process, they would have never burned anyone."
"Trump has the right to be furious," Jordan Klepper countered on The Opposition. "This is the worst kind of partisan witch hunt: One that followed all proper partisan witch procedure, passed the scrutiny of a partisan witch judge, and was personally signed off on by Trump's own partisan witch deputy A.G.," Rod Rosenstein, Klepper deadpanned. "Trump doesn't have to put up with this. He's got two buttons in his office: Fire Mueller and Diet Coke. And the leader of the free world is all out of Diet Coke."
Klepper played the angry reaction from Fox News pundits Sebastian Gorka and Sean Hannity — "That's right Sean, America has a two-tiered justice system that unfairly targets one group of people, Donald Trump" — and informed correspondent Tim Baltz that attorney-client privilege isn't absolute. Peter Weber
Trevor Noah taps the Alabama sheriff who spent $750,000 in inmate food funds on a beach house to explain 'legal' versus 'wrong'
There is at least one public servant in Alabama who "has found his job very enriching," Trevor Noah said on Wednesday's Daily Show, referring to Etowah County Sheriff Todd Entrekin, who apparently pocketed $750,000 from funds earmarked to feed prisoners and bought a beach house with the money. Buying beach houses is a dead giveaway you're skimming money from work, Noah said, "but maybe the reason the sheriff wasn't trying to hide it is that he didn't care about being caught, because it turns out — and this shocked me when I found it out — in Alabama, it's not against the law."
A pre-World War II law apparently allows sheriffs to pocket any money they don't use on feeding inmates — in other words, "any money you don't use to do your government job, you get to keep for yourself," Noah said. That's a terrible idea, giving "public officials an incentive to do their jobs badly. Like, I don't think it would be a good idea to let firefighters keep any money they save on water." Making matters worse, the reason he turns a profit on the food budget is that he feeds inmates things like oatmeal, white bread, and hard-boiled eggs. "Once you've learned that the sheriff makes money off of prisoners," you hear his enthusiasm for locking people up "in a different light," Noah said. "This guy's unbelievable — he's probably the only person who watched Shawshank Redemption and was inspired by the warden."
Still, what Sheriff Entrekin is doing appears to be legal, and Noah brought on Michael Kosta to "applaud this sheriff for living in the wrong-but-legal zone," and — in a sometimes barely-safe-for-work manner — explain the difference between "wrong" and "legal." Watch below. Peter Weber
Trevor Noah warns that John Bolton is a notorious chicken hawk. Jordan Klepper explains why that's a positive.
President Trump is replacing National Security Adviser H.R. McMaster with "Geppetto cosplayer John Bolton," Trevor Noah said on Tuesday's Daily Show. If Bolton looks familiar, "it may be because he's been on the Cap'n Crunch box for over 40 years," he joked, "or it may be because, like most people Trump hires these days, you probably saw him on the TV."
But Bolton is more than just a "Fox News pundit," Noah explained. He has served in three Republican administrations, most recently as George W. Bush's ambassador to the U.N., "but don't be thrown off by his title as diplomat, because while Bolton may look like a harmless model train enthusiast, he's developed a notorious rep as a guy who really wants to bomb everyone" (as well as an abusive, stapler-throwing coworker). "Here's the best example of how war-horny John Bolton is: He's still defending the one war that everyone else agrees was a terrible idea," Noah said. Sure, invading Iraq "destabilized the Middle East and brought us ISIS, but other than that, nailed it."
"Here's how you know this is a great idea: the talking heads on the left think it's a terrible idea," Jordan Klepper responded at The Opposition. Don't listen. Bolton is "the president's most influential adviser on matters of war — and when it comes to war, John Bolton, as the kids say, is DTF: Down To Facilitate regime change," Klepper said. "He's the right man for the job." Kobi Libii explained how Bolton's decision to avoid going to Vietnam, a war he supported, makes him the perfect "hawk" to advise Trump. "We all know hawks think wars solve everything, but we rarely ask why," Libii said. "It's because hawks fly safely above the battle. From that lofty vantage, all Bolton feels is the wind in his mustache and all he hears is 'boom boom,' 'ka-pow,' 'ratatatatat,' 'awesome!'" Watch below. Peter Weber
The Daily Show and The Opposition both attend the March for Our Lives, hash out America's gun debate
"This weekend, the kids from the George Soros–funded #NeverAgain movement took their childish message of living to adulthood to D.C.," Jordan Klepper deadpanned at The Opposition, reporting from Saturday's March for Our Lives. "The turnout for the March for Our Lives rally was sure to be as small as the activists themselves," he added, and news reports of more than a million people marching across the country was just "misinformation" from "MSNBC to ABC to The Daily Show." Klepper exchanged a few friendly insults with The Daily Show's Desi Lydic, then went back to earnestly fake-trolling the kids — and their parents and grandparents — using memes and other tools of "youth culture."
Lydic also played the fool by trying to fit in with the kids, but after playfully elbowing Klepper, she employed her own kind of trolling of America's high schoolers. Since America's grown-ups have "failed at enacting any change" on guns, she said, adults now "have to count on the next generation to solve all the rest of our difficult problems." Lydic proceeded to pass out issues like North Korea, immigration reform, and Middle East peace for students to work their "teen magic" on.
Trevor Noah was more effusive in recapping the rally and setting up Lydic's report. "The largest youth-led protest — give it up for those kids," he said. "Look at all those kids — it's like a Roy Moore fantasy come to life." But the teens didn't just throw "the most productive house party ever," with hundreds of thousands showing up, he said. They also "called those people to action." Of course, "not everyone is totally on board with this movement," Noah added, pointing Rick Santorum, the former GOP senator who essentially argued on TV that "citizens asking their lawmakers to make laws is just them passing the buck." You can watch him imagine Santorum as a 911 operator and more below. Peter Weber
Trevor Noah is skeptical of Trump's opioids plan. Jordan Klepper jokes 'bad' PSAs and killing drug dealers might just work.
President Trump went to New Hampshire on Monday to roll out his plan to fight the opioid crisis, and he couldn't quite agree with himself on whether America was ready for his proposal to kill drug dealers, Trevor Noah said on Tuesday's Daily Show. "One of my favorite things about Trump is that he has inner monologues out loud — it's like America elected Gollum as president."
Sill, killing drug dealers won't solve America's opioid crisis, Noah said. "Do you also kill doctors who overprescribe painkillers? Do you kill family members who buy opioids for their addicted loved ones?" And Trump's vintage '80s idea of making "very, very bad commercials" to scare teens from taking drugs only makes sense if you are Trump. "I mean, if the president of the United States believes everything he sees on TV, then why wouldn't teenagers?" he asked, noting that they don't.
"I believe that the president sincerely wants to keep young people away from drugs, which is why here at The Daily Show, we've decided to help," Noah said. "What Trump needs is a way to make drugs seem really uncool for young people — and for once I believe he's the right man for the job."
Trump's plan is more than just commercials and executing drug dealers — historically, it also involves cutting funding for drug treatment, prevention, and research, Jordan Klepper noted at The Opposition. "You see, drug addiction is so tragic that usually, Trump can't bear to think about, let alone address it!"
Besides, "we shouldn't give Trump all the credit here: He actually crowdsourced this 'kill drug dealers' idea from some of his newest friends," Klepper said. "Trump visited the Philippines, and they do not have a drug problem there at all. They also don't have a journalist problem, or a due process problem, or a 'not getting murdered in your sleep by state police' problem." Watch below. Peter Weber
Trevor Noah narrates Sam Nunberg going mad on live TV. Jordan Klepper insists Nunberg's a mad genius.
President Trump's chief economic adviser, Gary Cohn, quit on Tuesday, "so I think at this point the White House staff is just John Kelly and a fax machine that Jared isn't allowed to use," Trevor Noah joked on Tuesday's Daily Show. "Forget the White House, if an Applebee's lost this many people, I'd think twice about eating there." But while you can run from Trump, you can't hide. If you've ever worked for Trump, Special Counsel Robert Mueller "is a daytime horror movie," Noah said. "He's methodically picking off your friends one-by-one, but only from 9 to 5."
Mueller's latest victim is former Trump campaign aide Sam Nunberg, "who was so freaked out when he got a subpoena from Mueller that he went on national television and lost his goddamned mind," Noah said. Nunberg dared Mueller to arrest him, decided to "tell everyone that he was not a snitch, and then he started snitching." Noah noted that in Trump's world it's the men, not the women, who snitch, but "even for a Trump associate, Nunberg's appearances were extremely erratic." He showed ample proof.
Sam Nunberg did not melt down, Jordan Klepper protested at The Opposition. "The MSM doesn't get it, but they never do: Our guys don't melt down, they melt up, like a space candle. Even Fox missed the mark." Nunberg "wasn't 'possibly drunk,' he was definitely drunk," Klepper said, and he wasn't a "bit player" in Trump's campaign. "Sam Nunberg's a genius," he said. "Sure, Trump gets all the credit, but when the history books are written, and then they're burned and rewritten by the winners, Sam Nunberg is going to have his own chapter. You see, Sam Nunberg is the architect of America First, the maestro of MAGA — he's way too smart to do anything dumb. Which means yesterday's media blitz must have been a genius tactical move." You can watch Klepper piece that together below. Peter Weber